Investigative Report: Fredi Gonzalez

Hello again everyone from still steamy southeast Michigan!

While watching the Braves play long ball again tonight (they lead 5-3 as I type), my sources came through on a Fredi Gonzalez story I’ve been working on, so I wanted to go ahead and get it out. These are the same kind of sources I used on my crack reporting on Billy Wagner during the off-season. Hey, Sherlock Holmes isn’t the only one who can use bloodhounds (and other kinds of dogs, too!).

Anyway, I’ve sat mesmerized by the TV all season wondering how a manager of the Atlanta Braves could possibly go this far into the season without getting ejected. Most seasons under Bobby Cox you wondered whether the closer would close out more games than Bobby would get thrown out of.

At first I thought that maybe Fredi was just mild-mannered. Then I looked at tapes from his Marlins’ days and saw that he used to be good at getting tossed. Then I wondered if maybe he’d just forgotten how to argue. The jury’s out on this, as the way he uses his bullpen sometimes makes you wonder if there are memory issues. Finally I cornered his Lab and promised him an extra Milk Bone if he’d share anything he picked up at the dinner table. The dog, a neutered male strangely named Cox, told me that Fredi had a secret clause in his contract. If he makes it through the season without being thrown out of a game (thus changing the perception of the team in board rooms across the country), he’d receive a $5 million bonus.

While I was sceptical, need I remind you that Liberty Media is often portrayed as a bunch of suits only interested in P.R. Further, need I remind you that when you look up “obfuscate” in Wikipedia, it redirects you to a stub called “Braves Budgeting”. And, since the Braves always account for the full value of potential bonuses, this would also help explain how Frank Wren could say with a straight face that the team hasn’t cut payroll (well, at least including the manager 🙂 ). And, of course, it would also help explain why there will be no money for a major trade deadline deal.

So, when you wonder why Chipper Jones seems to be the only one willing to take on the umpires to try to fire up the team, or if you wonder if there really is money for a trade, ask yourself this: who is more believable, a talking neutered dog named Cox or a talking (sometimes accused of being neutered) GM named Wren?