A Frank Wren Christmas

March 5, 2013; Tampa, FL, USA; Atlanta Braves general manager Frank Wren prior to the game during spring training against the New York Yankees at George M. Steinbrenner Field. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Things are a little different this year. Due to his Tommy John surgery, Santa Clause will not be able to deliver toys this year. Frank Wren will be filling in for him. And with that, there are new rules for Chris Crinkle: instead of asking for things, you have to trade them. Sources close to the situation reveal this is due to Wren’s inability to communicate with the Elves.

Little Timmy: I’m willing to part with one of  my favorite toys (McCann) but I just don’t want it to go to my enemy (the Yankees).

Santa Wren: oh, don’t worry about that. It won’t be a problem. I’ll tell you what, I’ll try to keep your favorite toy around, [winks] but it will probably go to the boy across the country that you’ll never see and you have no disdain for.

Little Timmy: Oh joy! Just find a good home for it, that’s all I ask for! I’ll gladly accept the promise of a gift in the future if you just find it a good home that’s not (that Yankees).

Result: Toy goes to (the Yankees).

Little Johnny: I’ve got a really good set of toy race cars (Medlen, Minor, Beachy, Tehran) but they just aren’t enough to help me win when I play with the big kids down the street. I need a big time racer (Price) to help me get over the hump.

Santa Wren: Oh, sure, I agree! You need a front line racer to win. I’ll be sure to make sure you get that.

Little Johnny: Yay! I’ll trade all my other toys if I need to. I’ll do whatever it takes.

Santa Wren: You know what, I think the toys you have are just fine. How about this used toy (Gavin Floyd) that you can’t play with until July instead?

Little Billy: I’ve got this old toy (Hudson) that I really love but it’s broken. Could you fix it for me so I can play with it again?

Santa Wren: Of course, little Billy. We’ll get it fixed right up and it’ll be back in your toy chest before long!

Result: toy disappears on Christmas night, given to other kid who already has all the best toys and little Billy is left with nothing but tears.

Little Charlie: I hate this toy (Uggla)! It doesn’t work! I try to get rid of it but it always hangs around and is driving me insane. Will you just get rid of it, that’s all I ask.

Santa Wren: We’ll find a home for it. You won’t be getting a new toy in place of it, but we’ll find a place.

Result: little Charlie wakes up on Christmas morning with his toy still in his room. Not even the kid with no toys would take it.