GM Hair: The Final Cuts
Mar 23, 2014; Sarasota, FL, USA; Baltimore Orioles pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez (31) cools off in the dugout in the fifth inning of the spring training exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates at Ed Smith Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Jonathan Dyer-USA TODAY Sports
On Friday, we took a look at the Eastern brackets in the Great GM Hair-assment Contest. Today we finish by looking at the Western Regions. Again, be my guest in figuring who wins these events, but ultimately, the one who gets to cut down the hairnets will face many close shaves as all of these matchups are difficult to handicap. Fortunately, I’m here to help you with the vital scouting reports that you need.
To the Barber Poles we go!
The Brackets
SCOUTING THE ETERNAL WINTER REGION
CWS GM Rick Hahn. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
(1) RICK HAHN / CHISOX. Hahn’s hair just gives you the look and feel of a guy who’s casual. Casual about his life. Casual about his looks. Casual about his team… which may also explain why he put a bunch of his relievers on the trade market last July and got virtually nothing back for them. But his hair is ‘comfortable’. Not flashy, not pretentious, but just a good honest cut. People want to trade with guys like Rick… probably because they think they can eat his lunch and still have him happily pick up the tab. But that’s okay with Rick…. at least his team has durable pitchers.
Cubs GM Jed Hoyer. Mandatory Credit: Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports
(2) JED HOYER / CHICUBS. Second best. Of course that’s a metaphor for the Hoyer Hairdo. There’s just something a bit more serious and a bit more out of place about Jed; thus he loses the points held by his Southside rival. Hoyer works for Theo Epstein, and together they are tasked with the responsibility of recovering the Lost Glory of Cubs baseball… a glory that’s now 106-ish-year-old archaeological dig. These men are serious about their work, and serious about their hair. Yet you still have to question the choices of someone who thinks that a fair trade for Jeff Samardzija begins with Jason Heyward… and then wants more. Thus while the effort is well-respected, it will fall short here… and likely also for his team.
MIL GM Doug Melvin. Mandatory Credit: Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports
(3) DOUG MELVIN / MILWAUKEE BREWERS. I have this love/hate thing going with Douggie’s hair. On the one hand, it’s got excellent potential (i.e., he has some, and there’s plenty to work with). On the other hand, there’s also this kinda Captain Kangaroo thing he’s got going…. or maybe it’s Scotty from Star Trek? Regardless, it’s a work in progress … pretty much like his team. They have some excellent piece/parts to work with, but can’t quite seem to get it all together.
Should we take the Brewers seriously? Difficult to say from just the GM’s hair. But so long as he looks like the love child of these two guys… well, regrettably, I think the question pretty well answers itself.
Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski. Mandatory Credit: Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports
(4) DAVE DOMBROWSKI – DETROIT TIGERS. Dave D. has this “wave” this going. Works pretty well… or at least better than Billy Beane’s (below). Just don’t mention this to Don Sutton… he hates The Wave. But it’s hard to argue with a guy who has a bunch of his owner’s money to spend, spends it well, and then also hits you with this hairstyle. I hate Detroit… okay, except for Greek town.
Twins GM Terry Ryan. Mandatory credit: Don McPeak-USA TODAY Sports
(5) TERRY RYAN – MINNESOTA TWINS. Does anybody really care about the Twins anymore? The only guy I know of who is interested in hair up there is Joe Mauer. And that’s for different reasons. Nonetheless, I gave Terry Ryan extra points (he needed them) because of Mauer. But please: somebody tell Ryan that his field’s primary sponsor – Target – has hair-care products for sale. He might wanna pay in cash, though.
Dan O’Dowd. Still the Rockies GM. Uncredited photo (as it probably should be).
(6) DAN O’DOWD – COLORADO ROCKIES. Dan O’Dowd is still the GM of the Rockies. That’s probably the most important part of this report. O’Dowd just doesn’t really want to change much of anything: it’s difficult to make a trade with him, difficult to improve his team, and (apparently) difficult to find a comb to run through his hair once and a while. Heck, Clint Hurdle was his manager for 7+ seasons, though he had occasional flashes of brilliance at times. Permanently angularly-arched eyebrows also lose points for O’Dowd.
Dayton Moore, Aug 2013. Mandatory Credit: Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports
(7) DAYTON MOORE / KANSAS CITY. I wanted to rank Moore higher in the seedings. Truly, I did. One year ago, he likely would have been at least a #2 seed. But there have been changes. It’s possible that Moore has been using …. let’s be kind and say “supplements” to improve his game. This is exactly why this report on GM hair is important: to expose the weaknesses in everyone’s game that could likewise reveal secrets in ways that their team may be handled.
Check the first picture at above-right: it is from August 2013. The hair looks absolutely chiseled-perfect. This is unnatural. No man alive has hair like this without, um… ‘medical assistance.’ It is indeed fortunate, then, that Major League Baseball’s Hair Integrity Task group (HIT) started random drug testing of General Managers this off-season (didn’t hear about that during the Winter Meetings, did you? You don’t get that kind of reporting on other blogs – only at TomahawkTake.com).
Dayton Moore Feb 2014. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
The result was both immediate and … sad. The picture at right is also Dayton Moore, this time from February 2014. A much more sober-looking fellow… and one missing his signature sculpted style. Yes, this has cost him dearly in the seedings, and he’s in danger of falling further.
Guess he’ll just have to go back to getting his hair ideas – and players – from the Atlanta Braves.
SEA GM Jack Zduriencik. Mandatory Credit: Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports
(8) JACK ZDURIENCIK – SEATTLE MARINERS. Jack __________ (insert your unwanted Scrabble tiles here) looks like he oughta play a Soviet Politburo member from the 1960’s and some sort of Jack-Kennedy-against-the-World movie. Remember that part in which I gave Washington GM Mike Rizzo props for his ‘bald and proud’ look? That doesn’t apply here. Also loses points for bidding against himself this Winter in yielding to that incredible group of negotiators: Jay Z and Robinson Cano. Sorry, Jack: the look just doesn’t play. Hope your team will.
SCOUTING THE CALIFORNIA REGION
Since we half just 30 teams, I had two choices: give a couple of first-round byes, or add a couple of lackeys to fill out the field. Guess which option I took?
Brian Sabean, Giants. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
(1) BRIAN SABEAN – SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS. Sabean has the look of a Country-Western singer about him. I suppose I might be partial to the look as well, but this really works for him. Also works for his team, as they have won twice in the World Series in this decade alone. It’s a tough region – easily the toughest of the four, so Sabean ranks as a formidable foe with that coveted #1 seed.
Tony La Russa. Mandatory Credit: Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports
(2) TONY LaRUSSA – SPECIAL CONSULTANT TO THE COMMISH. Great title and perennially great hair to go with it. Though he was never a GM, baseball people from all over the league were happy when he retired, supposedly putting his hair out to pasture along with his clipboard. So having dealt with the serious issues of the day – instant replay and home plate collisions, he’s now ready to step up into the front office and compete directly on a hair-to-hair basis. He’s back, and now that he’s hardly ever wearing a baseball cap any more, he’s also groomed.
Angels
Jerry Dipoto. Mandatory Credit:
David Manning-USA TODAY Sports
(3) JERRY DIPOTO – LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF A NEARBY CITY. The Angels are to the Dodgers as the White Sox are to the Cubs, or the Mets to the Yankees: the second sister, the lesser of the pair. Not this guy. At least not with his hair. For many of the younger GMs, I’ve been very critical of the look they are bringing to the game. That’s not the case with Dipoto – this look works for him, no doubt. You do have to wonder, though, whether a guy who is urged to spend money like crazy (by his owner) on players he might not rather have — does he really make all of his own hair style decisions? This writer is going to go with “yes” – and it may be one of the few choices he can make by himself. We trust that judgement, and give him the third seed.
Dodgers Ned Colletti. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
(4) NED COLLETTI – LOS ANGELES DODGERS OF LOS ANGELES. When I look at Ned, I am reminded that “Colletti” rhymes with “Confetti”. You’d think that a team whose GM can spend most of a billion dollars on players could also find a buck or two between the coach cushions to find a barber shop that wouldn’t do … this… to his head. *sigh*. Welcome to the California Region, I suppose. Yes, I get it – he’s trying to do this George Clooney-like thing to himself. But somehow it just doesn’t work. Maybe a 4th seed is generous… maybe about right. *smh*
Kevin Towers. Mandatory Credit: David Manning-USA TODAY Sports
(5) KEVIN TOWERS – ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS. When photographed, Kevin Towers always looks to be in a bad mood. Maybe thats the case when your team utterly fails to perform despite your nutty trades. Accordingly, his hair is sometimes… just a bit out of kilter. Maybe it’s just the grittiness of it all.
Friars’ GM Josh Byrnes. Mandatory Credit: Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports
(6) JOSH BYRNES – SAN DIEGO PADRES. By contrast, most of the available pics of Byrnes seemed to show him as bemused. Maybe also bewildered. That should be the case for a guy who can’t seem to either coax free agents to come to San Diego, or even have his own players inked to any kind of a contract extension. Guess the pickings are slimmer on that beach than advertised? Certainly the case with that hair… which seems to be doing its best to hide around his skull, as it doesn’t wanna be seen around San Diego either.
Athletics GM Billy Beane. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
(7) BILLY BEANE – OAKLAND ATHLETICS. Okay, I’m confused. I thought Beane looked like Brad Pitt. But instead I searched high and low, and only came up with photos of this guy, who can’t seem to keep the front tuft of hair tucked over to the side where it belongs. This shot is actually fairly good, so far as that goes. I want to say something about ‘control’ and his hair relative to his ballclub, but somehow they keep winning and making the playoffs, so I’ll refrain. Maybe there’s some sort of SABR reason for his hair.
MLB commissioner Bud Selig. Mandatory Credit: Scott Rovak-USA TODAY Sports
(8) BUG SELIG – HIGH COMMISSIONER OF BASEBALL. Yeah. Bud could use some work… during retirement. Start with a comb.
Time to sweep up those clippings. Your hair stylist has now completed his/her artistry, and your neck will itch without relent for the rest of the day. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, but there they are: the heads that run major league baseball.
When’s the NFL Draft this year?