Atlanta Braves Headlines We Won’t Be Sharing With You Today
It’s April Fools Day, So Here’s a Bunch of Stories We Can’t Talk About
This has become an annual ‘thing’ for some folks… but we can’t – and won’t – participate in the festivities of this day. So here is list of headlines that you will not see from TomahawkTake today.
SunTrust Banks is Pulling Out of Georgia, Taking Braves’ Sponsorship With Them
SunTrust Chairman, via press release, indicated that the State of Georgia just ‘no longer represents our values as a company.’ Stadium could be renamed as ‘The Waffle House’, though Braves’ Front Office has concerns about the new yellow paint scheme. Hobby Lobby also said to be involved in negotiations.
After Further Review: New Footage shows that Sid Bream was actually out in epic 1992 NLCS play.
Value of the “error” Sid Bream bobblehead rises 400% virtually overnight now that the truth is revealed via a new camera angle thought to have been lost. It seems to show that Bream’s foot rode just above the plate, and thus he did not come in contact with the base until after catcher Mike LaValliere applied the tag.
No official comment has been received from the Pirates, though former manager Jim Leyland was said to have made a comment that we can’t repeat here.
Hall of Famer Bobby Cox Accepts Invitation to Participate in next season’s Dancing With The Stars
Cox confident that his surgically-replaced knees can handle the footwork necessary. “Mostly it will be my dance partner moving around anyway – nobody’s gonna be interested in watching me,” said Cox.
HGH Scare Forces Recall of Sunflower Seed Supplies; MLB furious
Word leaked out this week that MLB players are suddenly testing positive for HGH by the dozens, and MLB officials have traced the problem back to David’s brand sunflower seeds. The Player’s Association is getting involved as well, as many of their ranks are facing the possibility of suspension if testing policies are indeed followed.
The story broke as Washington Nationals OF Bryce Harper and closer Jonathan Papelbon both tested positive. The pair have become inseparable of late in the wake of their altercation last Summer, and they’ve been seen sharing the same seed bag in the dugout this Spring.
Meanwhile, a spokesman for David’s has said that while they have no idea how their product might have become contaminated, they are in direct communications with MLB and are voluntarily recalling their seeds.
SunTrust Park Construction Running into Delays with New Technology Add-ons
Braves’ officials becoming increasingly concerned about making Opening Day 2017. Comcast’s new gigabit internet connections are proving balky, though the company has promised that a technician will be out at the site to resolve the problem next Tuesday between 12 and 4 pm.
Braves’ Dansby Swanson Selected to be the next lead on ‘The Bachelor’
“It’ll be great,” said the Braves’ SS prospect. “Filming starts just after the season ends. I’m just disappointed that I’ll have to pick just one girl at the end.”
Jace Peterson to Retire, Join Metallica on Tour this Summer as Lead Drummer
“Long term, this is where I believe my talent lies,” said Peterson. “I’ve always had a passion for the arts, and getting a chance to gig with Metallica is my dream job in the industry.”
But can he handle the cans for the 2009 Rock&Roll Hall of Fame band? “Hell yeah,” replied the 25-year-old second baseman.
Mysterious Disease Plagues Nationals’ Harper after TV Appearance
In the wake of his appearance in 2015 ‘Body’ issue of ESPN the Magazine (material NSFW), Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper sought to increase his national profile by agreeing to submit to the challenge of the Discovery Channel’s series ‘Naked and Afraid.’ However, in the weeks since this was filmed, sources indicate that Harper has come down a mysterious ailment causing an unusual growth of body hair, teeth, and his nails. Electrolysis treatments are no longer keeping up, and the slugger is considering petitioning MLB for permission to use an experimental steroid treatment to combat the disease, which was contracted in the swamp lands of Costa Rica last winter.
Braves Team Plane on the DL; Team Looking at Alternate Transport Options
Work broke this morning that the team charter aircraft, leased from Delta Airlines, has a major problem with one of its engines that will require approximately a month to rectify due to parts availability issues. Team officials were aware of the problem yesterday and have been scrambling to find a solution.
While it is hoped that the plane can be fixed prior to the home-and-home series vs. Boston during the last week of April, the Braves do have a mid-month road trip to Washington and then Miami – with the latter trip without an intervening day off. The team is hoping to avoid the inglorious idea of flying commercially, citing the problems that weather delays could create.
“Freeman bought himself a plane,” said a rookie Braves player speaking on the condition of anonymity. “But he can’t take everybody on it, so he’s leaving the rookies to fend for themselves. So we’re gonna carpool it, I think. There’s not a lot of us, so we’re just looking for a decent ride. Wisler’s got a ******* Mini Cooper, though, and that won’t work at all.”
Manager Fredi Gonzalez was quoted as being upbeat about the news, saying it might be a chance for him to get his new bike out on the highway for a real road trip. The 52-year-old Gonzalez, a self-styled motorcycle gearhead, recently traded one of his Harley Davidson bikes in for a more sedate three-wheeler. “Hey, I’m not getting any younger, and this helps me blend in better down here in Florida,” he said.
Atlanta Braves trade Craig Kimbrel, Andrelton Simmons, Jason Heyward, both Uptons, Alex Wood, Evan Gattis, and Shelby Miller within a space of 12 months.
Oh wait… that did happen. And now you know why we can’t ever do an April Fool’s Day gig ever again:
It’s because John Coppolella already beat us to the punchline!
Next: The Less Foolish Morning Chop
Happy April Fools Day!