The 2016 Atlanta Braves Drinking Game

Join me on a season-long quest to find something to enjoy about a 2016 Atlanta Braves game

It’s hard to watch the Braves these days. And maybe it’s because of the youthful pitching, and maybe it’s because of the terrible defense, but it could also be the sub-replacement level hitting or the non-existent home crowds.

But other than the race for the top pick in the 2017 draft (sheesh, we’re already talking about that—the 2016 draft just ended 20 minutes ago) and the on-going Joe Simpson Experience, there’s not much to get excited about with this year’s version of the Atlanta Braves.

So how to maintain interest in a never-ending series of 3-1 losses in front of a home stadium that’s 85 percent empty?

Booze, obviously.

Hunter S. Thompson may not have advocated alcohol, but in the face of a 110-loss season, I’ll allow it. Here now, I present the rules for a 2016 Atlanta Braves Drinking Game. We can call it #BravesDrink; with any luck, we won’t all have cirrhosis of the liver by mid-August.

THE OFFICIAL RULES FOR #BRAVESDRINK

More from Tomahawk Take

If you see a shot of a slumped over Brian Snitker sitting forlornly in the dugout, drink
If the Braves give up at least two runs in the first inning, drink
Before every Bud Norris start, take one shot
For every irrelevant Joe Simpson tangent, drink
Every time Joe, Chip, Jim or Don mention ‘sabermetrics’ derisively, drink and set fire to a calculator
Whenever someone wonders aloud why Freddie Freeman isn’t producing more when flanked with a Double-A caliber lineup, drink and punch a hole in the wall
If someone mentions a light-hitting middle infielder as a ‘solution’ (i.e. “Daniel Castro could be the solution at short with Erick Aybar out”), take two shots to numb the pain
If Chip mentions Flo-Rida or other postgame concerts, drink
When you see a Timothy Miller–based commercial, take a shot of the finest libation in your cabinet
When a pitcher born in the 1990s predictably struggles, drink and read one of Ben Chase’s prospect profiles
When John Coppollela is hailed as a visionary, outside-the-box thinker or other positive platitude, plan to take a drink in two to four years
When SunTrust Park is mentioned, take a drink of the nastiest brew you possess that someone gave you because “they thought it was something you would like”
When the trade deadline is mentioned, drink
When Dansby Swanson, Ozzie Albies or Sean Newcomb are mentioned, pop open a celebratory bottle of champagne
When the Braves make a roster move involving a pitcher, take one pregame shot (this is designed to get you in a good mood for the horrors to follow)
When someone mentions the struggles of Erick Aybar, drink and cry
When Mallex Smith beats out an infield single or steals a base, drink and do a lap around your living room (gotta burn the calories somehow)
When someone mentions that John Gant, Tyler Flowers, Gordon Beckham or Jeff Francoeur are from Georgia, drink a Sweetwater product
When a former player visits the booth, drink something vintage or aged and think of better days
When the Braves either fail to hold onto a late lead or can’t find a late equalizer with multiple men on base, finish your drink.

Next: What's Going On With Matt Wisler?

Got all that? Keep your refrigerators and cabinets well-stocked and never get behind the wheel after playing. Hopefully, the Braves 2017 season will need rules like ‘Anytime Swanson or Newcomb are mentioned in the Rookie of the Year discussion, drink’ instead.

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